Skip navigation

Monthly Archives: August 2009

I believe what I remember to be parts of three different dreams.  Like a sheet shot through by many guns, but nonetheless…

Most of my dreams’ scenes took place indoors and included people whom I don’t usually interact with; namely, my father (? I think), his wife, my mother’s ex (I can’t recall how or where, but something tells me that this is true) and some other man who may have been standing in for my father.  My father’s wife was central to the action I remember for one portion, but I’m afraid I can’t precisely recall the things she said or the motives she had.  I’ll describe what I saw, instead:

I remember being in a room which would have been a room at the back end of a large, furnished, multi-storied house.  I guess it could be described as a “family” home.  It was night outside that I saw through the windowThe house was dimly lit besides by a small, end table lamp; this light was nary more than a glow like a dying fire: warm, soft but hardly revealing.  You could fall asleep to this light.  It illuminated the room’s dark colours: dark green, deep reds and the like.  There was an open door at corner opposite to where I was standing, which was open to a brightly-lit hallway.  On the other side of the room (also far from me) there was an opening to another, smaller room, but this was in darkness so I could not really see how far back it went or what it could have been used for.

My father’s wife (I’ll call her J) was at the open door.  She was unhappy with something that I did or something that she learned by my presence.  I suppose my father was involved at one point here, but I forget now how.  I redeemed myself somehow soon afterward, and again, how exactly I am not so sure.  I believe it had something to do with something I had created, like a painting?  In retrospect, this dream is absolutely ridiculous.  My father also seemed to steadily transform from whoever he was initially into someone completely alternate.

His new self was one bespectacled, lighter in hair-colour, lighter in choice attire and more or less “lighter” all around.  I suppose he turned into a more conventional “father figure”, but now that I say that, I realize it could be taken that he is actually a very unconventional “father figure” as it is in my waking life.  I don’t know if I’d go that far.  Either way, he was new and could have been named something like “Andrew Jacobs“, ha-ha.  J’s character paled in presence, replaced by his, as we moved from the house (by means I can’t remember) to a coastal scene.

(EDIT: I totally forgot to add a very peculiar but interesting aspect which was apparent at this point in the dream.  Sailor Moon, or whatever represented or reminded me of Sailor Moon, was present.  I can’t say exactly how, as usual, or why, or what she did.  Typing this is giving me a hunch that I’m forgetting a large and much cooler portion of the dream.  Oh well.)

At this coast, there was a long pier.  It disappeared in chunks, or pieces, which were mobile upwards and downwards but not frontwards or backwards. For some reason, I was brought here to do some kind of solo act that was agreed upon.  I remember feeling that I might not have been ready, but I was quite willing.  I had the sense that my party and theirs were not on the same page, but I was detaching from my “present moment” in order to digest how I would manage properly despite that.  It’s going to be very hard to describe what was happening next.

On each “piece” (platform?), I would go upon, moving between them as if incrementally, and they would rise or fall.  Additionally, the water would rise or fall severely.  I don’t know how the water and the platforms interacted exactly, but I remember the imagery, so I’ll describe that, instead: my sight was filled with blue from either the water (a deep, many-hued blue that was dynamic by the light coming down through its surface) or the sky (a lighter blue with nothing on its horizon – actually, I can’t remember any horizon to speak of).  I would rise and fall as if flung or pulled with a force unaffected by whatever gravity my mass could have offered.  I felt overwhelmed, but not fearful.  I felt that I hadn’t the “hang of it” (very common in my dreams, the sharp rising and falling (usually in the air) and feeling of ineptitude that comes with being new to something).  I suppose I could have been thinking about whether or not I could have died?  I don’t remember exactly.

Strangely, I have displaced memories of clouds of blood – the dark, slow ballooning of blood that’s been spilled under water.  I also have a memory of a memory; is that called an impression?; of water or blood in my mouth.  The sensation of flowing within the mouth, in the corners of the back of the mouth, still persists, so it goes that I’ll type it down.  That’s about as much as I have for this scene, though.  Well, other than a strange memory of this “Andrew Jacobs” (lol) looking back at me as if I were in the back seat of some vehicle.  I guess J would have been riding shotgun.

The last memory I have involves a friend who is staying with us right now.  Ely was with me in a large space not unlike some kind of university wing or art gallery.  There was a glass display that was filled with many small creatures.  They were white, furred and reminded me of… uh.  Snow lions?  No.  They’re aquatic creatures, white, really adorable and have black snouts and eyes.  The only thing was that they were tiny and behaved more like newly-hatched caterpillars.  She and I interacted over this little display and interacted with them as well, I think.  This whole scene, although closer to the time that I woke up, is very disjointed and full of inexplicable holes.  I don’t think I’m able to think of anything else I can describe.

The first portion of the dream included an unusual point of view.  I’m not sure that I can say if I can recall a dream wherein I’ve had a similar experience, actually; now that I’m thinking about it, it could have been some kind of “third-person” variant of the visual (film?) world.  I was overlooking events as if from aboveOther times, my point of view was “close-by” my avatar and other times, I looked through my own eyes.  When I was far above, I was usually quite high in the air: I could see myself as a very small point and all around, the land stretched for great distances.  I’m reminded of the times I’ve spent playing videogames – Final Fantasy’s world map view would be a good comparison to what this was like.

The terrain was all natural and the colour scheme was pretty dark: dark trees, lots of hills, mountains and dark-coloured water surrounded the land.  I distinctly remember that the dream “scrolled” eastward as well, although I did not strictly travel as directly as that, given the environment; there were neither roads nor indication of any previous travelers who had come before me, actually.  I don’t even really remember very well why it was that I started out to do this in the first place.  I vividly remember the dark colours.  This kind of colour scheme is frequently characteristic of my dreams of these recent past couple of years, I’m inclined to say.

Pressed to physically describe myself in the dream, I have difficulty.  I want to say that I was blonde and straight-haired, male, early twenties (as I am) however more childish-seeming than older (as I am…).  I wasn’t dressed to any particular time-period that I remember anymore.  More on the topic of my “person”, I also remember that at a couple (or one?) of points in the dream, my view switched to another, videogame-specific sort: an “inventory” screen opened and replaced my view of the world entirely, but to inform me, rather than to obstruct my view (I’m thinking that if something like that happened for any other reason than that I was dreaming, I’d be a “nervous” kind of surprised.  I’d probably be on drugs, actually).

That “inventory” screen was an important part of a turning point in the dream, but sadly, I do not remember events very exactly when it comes to this moment.  I really wish that I did because it was a transition period.  I never remember these “transition periods” very well, but they’re just so weird in nature that I can’t feel too badly about it.  Anyway: there were three vacant spots in the shapes of armoured helmets on the screen, but a few moments prior, I had done something that awarded me (or I found it?) a particular helmet to fill one of the slots.  However, good though this news was at the time, I then immediately encountered misfortune.

I wandered into an area of the land (overlooking like a bird, as described) that was somehow significant.  At this point, I was also quite close to the coast, where I had been traveling towards.  This region was significant for the danger it posed I’m guessing now.  Anyway, I suffered some kind of defeat.  I don’t recall any pain, any conflict and I don’t remember the consequence.  I only remember my thoughts in the aftermath as I looked down at my avatar, noticed the helmet, and then observed the region of land.  If I had to imagine the region as if looking through my own eyes, I would say that it was probably sparsely dotted with trees but densely bushy.  There were ditches, bracken, exposed earth and overall… inappropriate for any bipedal creature.  I don’t remember any wildlife either, but something tells me that some kind wildlife or some kind of animal was involved (probably involved at more than one point than this, too).

So, maybe I “died” at this point.  Saying that feels uncomfortable.  I don’t understand what happened, obviously, especially so because the dream didn’t quite finish there.  When the dream continued, I found that I had remained in the same world and was destined towards the same locale.  I’m pretty sure I was the same person, but I’m getting another hunch that it could just as easily been the opposite.  Things took a drastic turn here just the same, as I was to finally reach my destination on the coast.

I was just in time for an exciting event, but I don’t know that I’d been anticipating it – anyway, I was just in time for some kind of “End of the World”.  This part of the dream won’t take too long to describe, so before I do, I should include some other visuals that I remember.  I remember coming to the edge of the water by way of a steeply inclined embankment.  These weren’t beaches for lying towels down for tanning on: there were thick grasses, moss, crumbly earth, jagged rocks and the tide was lively.  At sea-level, I could see a distant coast across what I guess was an inlet.  There were buildings on the other shore, such as the urban sort that populate my Vancouver, BC.  I don’t exactly think I was seeing some kind of “Vancouver” vision, but then again, I don’t know at all the role of these buildings.  I could see their reflections on the water very vividly, as well; if I didn’t know any better, I would say that I was almost aware of the reflected light/colour of them as they shone on my face.  It was like the kind of vivid, crisp reflections that strong because they are silhouetted against raging flames.  I have noticed that when buildings burn at the edge of the water, their reflections on the water create a very particulate atmosphere.  I think these buildings could represent ordered establishment – government?  America?  Something along those lines?  All I did was regard them.

As for the actual end of the world, my vantage point was from a higher elevation.  I was on a cliff, always on grass and always in view of the churning seas that surrounded the land.  I remember the white waves and bubbling sea foam very well.  Additionally, I also recall there being other people present, but I was feeling “unto” myself entirely: I was quite singular albeit; I couldn’t say that I felt connected to anyone or welcome anywhere.  I was fine with that just the same, but I was in a state privy only to my own thoughts and observations.  Things were in a hurry and hurrying up as the moments passed.  Grass flew in the air, the wind picked up and the sky started to swirl.

There was also a single conflict between myself and another person, who I didn’t recognize.  I have no idea what it was about or why it happened.  It was resolved by the world ending either way, ha-ha.  It was a female, but she could have been male – she had boyish proportions, engaged physical struggle with me (I find this behavior to be more masculine than feminine) and I can’t remember her voice, so she could have had a very deep voice for all I know.  She was dark-skinned, dark-haired (seemed half-and-half Caucasian/Black) and wiry.  When she stopped bothering me, she turned to the cliff and became preoccupied by the tumult of a shorn and shredded, swirling sky.  She was standing at the edge of the cliff and seemed suddenly oblivious to me.  I remember also the sound of wooden boats being destroyed on the rocks at the base of the cliff – I needn’t have approached the cliff to see though; the sea was such that the water was angled steeply so that I could see it’s surface displayed before me, even at my distance from the edge.

I watched the sky closely now.  I noticed that particles of blue sky had been vacuumed upwards and were swirling away with increasing speed.  I saw it and knew that the end of everything was imminent, but I wasn’t feeling fear.  I watched the dark-skinned girl prepare herself with a foot halfway over the edge of the cliff, leap purposefully, but what followed was unexpectedly comedic.  She belly-flopped into a half-submerged rowboat: it seemed that the vortex was approaching at a… definite speed and that our physics still applied insofar as it couldn’t reach.  So she hit the water, picked herself up, I laughed privately to myself and she started to negotiate a second attempt.  I was never to learn of her fate, but at that point, it didn’t matter to me.

the streams of coloured reality were so specific in their appearance that I’m afraid I will have trouble describing it.  If you can imagine a speckled robin’s egg: the pattern of dappled, perceived colours would almost increasingly lose their integrity, become less fluid and less dynamic – less able to participate with the rest of the image of the world as a cohesive whole.  It would be sucked, pulled, entwined upwards in selective streams or “strands” like twisting bands of candy being pulled and rolled towards the final product.  Where the points of colour and light had been vacuumed, there was black.  I remember feeling very excited.  I was relieved for the event, but not in such a sullen or melancholy state as that might seem.  I didn’t yearn for the end of my life.  I wanted to be part of this process.  I offered no resistance.

Of course, I would wake up at that moment…

As advertised, nothing much to report yet.  It was suggested to me that the effects of the Calea would probably take 4 days to a week before bearing much significance.  I  slept enough, but I do not feel very rested today.  However, besides that, I’m feeling good, more or less.  I am not looking forward to tonight’s assuredly vile trial.

It kind of helps to pretend that I’m in some kind of man-made hut or shack, high on the slopes of cloudforests.  Say, I could be some kind of questing voyageur or whatever (someone brave, maybe also trekking the road to destiny).  Yeah, and the mystic, stolid shaman prepares the necessary brew, awful though it is – it’s all part of my journey.  What a persevering hero I am.

Anyway, I did note that, as I was falling asleep, I was experiencing increased ability to visualize, and the mental imagery itself was more vivid.  I’m not an expert on the lucid state, but I believe I was also intermittently falling in and out of a lucid dream.  I have been experiencing this more often in the past several months, actually, but these episodes are usually accompanied by an uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty/anxiety.  By contrast, this time, I was feeling much more at ease.  I briefly experimented by attempting to move my “dream body”.  It worked… to a point, I suppose, as I think I was able to at least view my own arm by deciding to lift it into my view.  Who knows.

I’m going to skip the customary quashing of my erratic, irregular style of updating so far.  I have been strangely busy lately.  I suppose it shouldn’t be strange, since I have deadlines looming for school, but actually school has not been stealing away with all of my time, I admit.  I have been a little reckless lately with my indulgances, but I haven’t the usual glee or begrudgingly satisfied hangover to show for it.  Not that I haven’t been enjoying myself, but that’s another story and this isn’t the place to tell it.

Since updating last, I came into some Thai Kratom, which I enjoyed together with my girlfriend, as well as a couple of doses (? We shall see if it’s enough for two people: I have my suspicions that it isn’t) of Heavenly Blue Morning Glory seeds.  We haven’t partaken of the Morning Glory yet.  I’m not a very intuitive person, but I’m not totally seized to get into the LSA right away, so I shall keep an eye out for that “right” moment.  In the meantime, I have gotten a 24-days’-supply of Calea, the “dream herb” of the Oaxaca, which I’ve already penned on.

I had been putting off trying it out, completely unaware of what I should have been preparing to endure.  Blissfully unsuspecting, I enjoyed myself while I brewed up a few grams (eyeballed it) of the loose leaves and then let it steep for about 15 minutes.  It was very interesting to observe the surface of the tea, as little drops of oil would bead there and float amidst each other.  By the time it was done, they had all clustered together, shimmering funnily in a layer.  This would be the end of any “blissfully” anything, because holy shit, this shit is horrid.

Acrid.  Detestable.  I had visions of spiders being cruelly hairsprayed, that’s what the cells lining my alimentary canal were impressing, nay, burning to me to understand their torture.  They struggled, freaked out a little, but ultimately, could only screw up into pathetically scrunched balls of “Why?”  It took me a while, and I finished about 90% of it, I guess (pausing to sip water and rinse my mouth, courageously bearing the prod of pre-nausea).  Another 23 days to go.

It’s been over 40 minutes since I finished the tea, and I have to say that it’s very… relaxing.  Although I’m not sure if this is induced drowsiness (I was sufficiently sleepy before downing the brew), but I am going to say that it probably is.  And now I am off to sleep.